Drop The Baggage That’s Weighing You Down
Back in school and college, at 40 kgs and ultra-skinny, I never had to go through the pain, the distress, the trauma that the ones struggling with weight, often are unable to escape.
And even though my journey from being underweight to turning obese wasn't a swift one but strangely I don’t have much recollection of it. Actually, I never took my weight as a 'problem' (not that it wasn't) but developed an unheard-of affability with my fats. They became as much a part of my persona as my smile or anger for that matter.
It didn't bother me a bit if I had jello arms or thunder thighs and I had absolutely no qualms wearing whatever I fancied, be it sexy shorts, off-shoulder tops, or funky dresses.
'Carry Them All With Confidence' was my mantra! And there always were compliments, maybe not so many albeit genuine ones, or so I prefer to think. :)
That's how I was at 100 kgs - FAT and CONFIDENT. Because I never allowed my weight to define who I was as a person.
Why am I speaking in the past tense?
It so happens that three years back, I too was bitten by the weight-loss bug!
Some health issues happened and I became bedridden for good eight months. I wasn't even able to cover the distance from my bedroom to the kitchen or climb down the stairs from our floor to my friend's home, just a level below ours.
It became imperative for me to lose weight and henceforth started a new journey.
As the numbers dropped on the scale, the compliments began to increase as if both were inversely linked. And before I knew it, I already was a slave to the vicious mindset that understood only the 'numbers on the scale'! Looking good and feeling good became synonymous with how many grams I could shed in a day, a week, or a month. Every milligram mattered as did every centimeter, actually it's the loss that mattered. I started to avoid things that earlier used to make me happy...eating one whole samosa or a full plate of chana-bhatura or an occasional drink with friends.
Food indulgence carried with it huge guilt that weighed me down every time I over-stepped the limits put down either by my nutritionist or myself!
All this continued till almost a month back - me consistently working hard to bring down a few kgs and like a stubborn child, weight continuing to climb higher.
The discomfort, the distress, and the despair weighed heavy on my already heavy body, and the hopelessness of it all just kept mounting. Till I put my foot down and shook myself out of this self-created misery.
It's been a month now since I've stopped worrying about my weight. Instead, I'm making a deliberate shift to let go of my irritating habits. The thoughts that adversely impact my emotions and mood are the ones I'm attempting to shrug off.
The emotional reasoning I constantly engage in with myself, the negative assumptions I over-sensitively jump to, the occasional catastrophizing especially with regard to my loved ones, the umpteen superstitions, and the unhelpful thinking patterns are a few of the things I need to constantly work on to keep at bay and I have got the ball rolling.
I haven't checked my weight in days now and I've started enjoying my food again just the way I used to.
I'm a happy heart in a body that hasn't felt this light ever before and trust me, it feels great!
-shell
